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Page Five
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The Ram Troper
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Catching up with... "President" George W. Bush
We recently got together with high-school dropout and leader of the
most powerful nation in the world, George W. Bush.
RT: In the year 2000, you were made president in the most contested election in recent memory. How do you respond to claims
that you are "a sham", "a joke", or "a man elected through the corrupt dealings of his brother, father, and the neo-Nazi Republican
party"?
George Bush: (In a Texas drawl that is one part cowboy, one part idiot.) I'm really drawin' a blank here. RT: Fair enough. What about your run-ins with the law? Much has been said of your arrest for drunk driving, your cocaine use, and your daughters' underage drinking. GB: It's funny you bring that up. I'm always asked these kinds of questions, and it reminds me of an old saying we have
down here in Texas. RT: Which is? GB: If your dad's the President, you can do whatever the hell you want. RT: That seems like a poor attitude to have. What kind of a message are you sending to the American people? GB: What the hell do I care what the American people think? RT: Well, there is an election coming up in November. Aren't you worried about losing the presidency? GB: Are you kidding? Who's gonna beat me? The angry little midget or that negro with the big hair? RT: Well, I suppose you are heavily expected to win, but still there remain serveral key issues that could hurt
your chances of re-election: the ongoing problems in Iraq, the still-struggling economy, and the fear many have that you will
get rid of social security and privatize many government programs. GB: I'm hearin' a lotta big words there, but not hearin' a lot of talk. RT: What does that mean? GB: I was kinda hopin' you would know. RT: You say completely asinine things and expect your audience to draw their own conclusions? Does that ever really work? GB: I guess you don't watch FOXNews. RT: No, unfortunately I don't. Before we end the interview, though, I'd like to ask about the media's perception of you.
On TV you come across as a bumbling idiot, and yet you're characterized as one of the most persuasive, powerful men ever to
occupy the oval office. Who is the real George Bush? GB: (Whispering as he leans in) You really wanna know? I'm a robot, programmed only to hate poor people and do
the bidding of the oppressive Republican machine. Unfortunately, now I'll have to kill you. RT: Not so fast! I have my own politician-robot, who possesses illiteracy powers far greater than yours! (Arnold Schwarzenegger, the governator of California, leaps out from behind a nearby trash can and kills the President/Evil
Robot. He proceeded to tear George W. apart and wear him, like a "Bush-suit". He is now carrying out his presidential duties
out of Southwest Austria, stopping only to win weight-lifting competitions and grope underage secretaries.)
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